Natalia Winters

[Deleted]

Behind The Scenes,
``It's all about you.

>> Name:: o.O
>> Age:: a number
>> Gender:: its something
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About the character

``Name;; Natalia Winters
``Nicknames;; Talia, Nat
``Age;; 15
``Gender;; Female
``Birthday;; April 2
``Grade;; 9th
``Heritage;; Russian
``Orientation;; She is Bi-sexual

Appearance

``Eyes;; gray-blue
`` Hair;; A very dark chocolate brown with a blood red tinge to it
``Height;; 5'7
``Weight;; 110
``Body Type;; She is a very tall girl with long legs, a narrow stomach, and medium bust. Her hips aren't very wide either.
``Skin Color;;
``Tattoos/piercings/scars;; She has a belly button piercing and ear piercings.
``Dress style;; Natalia usually dresses provocatively without even knowing. She wears short shorts or mini skirts with knee-high socks. her top is always preppy. A blouse, or a tank top is usual top. Her shoes are ballet flats or boots, depending on her mood. On occasion she will a dress, but that is h ardly ever.
``Overall;; Sum up how your character looks in a short paragraph or two.


Personality

``Likes;;
Talia doesn't like many things, but when it comes down to choosing she will say things like pain and torture. But there is much more on the inside when it comes to liking things.

She loves knives and blood, but that's a given. Then there's her crafts, dancing and horse riding, which she likes a lot.

In list form, she likes:
Pain
Blood
Dance
Horses
Knives
Swords
Russia
Annoying people
Snakes
Spiders


``Dislikes;;
In list form, she dislikes:
People thinking they know everything
People in general
People that say they hate secrets yet have the most
People trying to 'communicate' with her because they think she is mute
Anyone trying to reach out to her
When people text talk out loud
Things not going her way


``Hobbies;;
Talia is a skilled ballerina. She started at the tender age of two and is now a professional at fifteen. Talia is also a horseback rider and competes in the Hunter/Jumper competition. She almost always wins. Although she keeps it a secret, Natalia is an artist. She draws beautiful pictures that reflect her mood.

``Quirks;;
Um, I don't know what this is.(I googled it)

``Flaws;;
Natlia cannot speak very good English. She uses Russian, Spanish, or German words to replace the English ones she doesn't know.

When doing something, she works at it until it is perfected. She cannot move forward.

She has a weak left wrist after breaking it multiple times

``Secrets;;
She saw her parents killed in front of her when she was a child

She like girls and guys.


``Personality;; Natalia is a very drawn back, closed off to the world girl. She does not like being around people or talking. This does not make her a 'loner' or 'socially awkward'. This makes her strong on the inside and tired of people thinking she's stupid. Natalia is actually a very smart girl. She loves books and prefers them to talking. Although people assume, Natalia is perfectly capable of speach, she just cannot speak English very well. Over all, Natalia is a quiet, smart girl that dislikes people and likes pain.


History:;
Natalia was born in Russia. When she was two her parents were murdered. She was sent to a orphanage. When she was 9 she got adopted by Amy and Steve Winters.


``Mom;; Amy Winters, 36 years old, Artist, She and her husband adopted Natalia when she was 21 after they found out she couldn't have kids
``Dad;; Steve Winters, 38 years old, FBI agent
``Sibling(s);; None
``Pet(s);; Widow, a lovely little tortie cat with one green eye and one blue. Uptown Girl, a tall muscular dappled gray Mustang.
``Other;; nope

``History;; At least a paragraph.

``Powers/Abilities/Gifts;; Natalia is a very flexible girl who is skilled in martial arts also. Her power is the ability to learn almost any sport, physical and mental, and master it within weeks instead of years like most people. She has an amazing gift for dancing. Because of her long legs and slender body every move she makes is a graceful one. Her power is one that is of little use to most people except herself. She can hide herself away from the world. Keep her secrets secrets, her emotions hidden, and her feelings completly gone.

``Role Play Sample;;(From another site)

I looked up from the cold hard ground. My hands were scratched from bracing my fall on the concrete. What had happened? I quickly tried to run over the events in my mind. I was in the training center, as usual. It was loud. People were running around, go here and there. Trying out each weapon. I was in one place the entire time. Using my beloved bow.
I pulled the weapon towards my face and pulled it back. All my strength made it easy to pull the string. The item felt welcome in my hands. It always did. I drew the string an released. The arrow flew right into the target, where the heart would be on a human. I smiled, my white teeth shining. Suddenly I have a weird felling rush into me. I slowly lower my bow and place it on its spot on the weapons' rack. I walk outside, looking down at my feet. I feel someone, or something run into.
"Ow, god!" I screeched at whatever was in my way.
I stood up, brushing off my training outfit. My ebony curls were in my face. I gently pushed them back. I turned to the boy in a wheelchair. I look at him real good before I began to yell.
"God! What is wrong with you?" I scream "I could have gotten hurt. You blubbering idiot!"
My face began to turn red. I ran a tan hand through my hair pushing it out of my face.
"Look, I'm sorry, but watch where you're going next time, okay?" I saw then pause waiting for him to say something.

[Admin Harley]

Pending

We're sorry, but your application cannot be accepted at this time. There are a few small things you need to fix before your character is ready.

1. Is "o.O" the name you plan to go by in the c-box? If so, that's fine, and you can keep that. But if not, please change the "Name" section of "Behind the Scenes" to reflect your chosen name. (Mine, for example, would say "Harley.")

2. If Natalia is 15 now but her birthday is in April, she'll turn 16 at the end of her freshman year. This implies she was held back a year, because most people turn 16 as a sophomore. Please either explain this in her history, or else change her age and/or birthday.

3. How does she dress "provocatively" without knowing it? Her history says she was adopted when she was 9. Assuming that's when she came to America (because you never give an age), that would be plenty of time for her to learn what counted as provocative in this culture. If she didn't know, I'm sure her parents would point it out?

4. You need to fill out the "Skin Color" section. You also have to fill out the "Overall" part in Appearance. Some people skip it because they're not sure what it is, and I understand that, so I'll give a quick summary. It's basically all the other things combined: how does their appearance affect them? Do they dress boldly and hold themselves proudly, or do they dress conservatively and act like they're cripplingly shy? (Those aren't mutually exclusive, of course, but I'm just giving examples.) Basically, how does their appearance tie into their actual behavior?

5. I have to wonder why she likes pain, torture, knives, and blood. You say her parents were killed in front of her when she was two. That's an age where, depending on her level of development, she could definitely be traumatized by that. What would make her like things like that? It's definitely possible, but it needs to be explained, and you haven't done anything to explain it. No offense, but right now it sounds like you're trying to make her "tough" or "dark" without doing anything to back it up.

6. As with her likes, her dislikes make me feel like she's artificially made out as "dark" or "a loner." Saying she dislikes "people in general" is pretty bland. Why does she dislike people in general? Why do people think she is mute? (Again, there's almost nothing in the rest of her profile to imply people would think she's mute. You mention in her personality section that she doesn't talk much, but that's the only other mention.) Also, some of her likes and dislikes are too general to give us info about her personality. Do you honestly know anyone who likes when things don't go their way? Because you listed that as one of her dislikes, and it feels painfully obvious. Please try to flesh out both her likes and dislikes so she feels more three-dimensional.

7a. How did she start ballet at two? Her parents were killed and she was in an orphanage. I know about Russia's "talent tracks" during the Soviet days, but I don't think they've done that for some time, and at her age, she would be too young to be put on an "arts track." That system was gone by the time she was born. Was this orphanage so amazing that they gave her consistent, quality ballet lessons for seven years until she was adopted? That seems pretty far-fetched.
7b. How is she also a championship horseback rider? Becoming a professional ballerina by age 15 would take almost all of her time, and she would still have to go to school. When would she find the time to practice ballet to perfection, groom and train and ride a horse in competitions, and cultivate this amazing art talent? (I've looked at her powers, but I'm going to address that a bit later, so I'm not counting that as an explanation.) Remember that you have her in an orphanage for most of her youth as well. There's simply no way she could have the time or resources for all of this. A character can be special and have talents without being good at everything. Please try to curb her talents and hobbies a bit to make her more... well, human!

8. Quirks are little oddities or strange habits that people have. Someone might "bite their nails" and list that as a quirk; someone else might "only wear nude-colored bras." Nothing is too weird to be a quirk as long as you can explain it. (For example, "loves elephants and puts stickers of them everywhere" is fine. "Loves elephants and obsessively talks about nothing else" is not, because that's practically a disorder.)

9. Her "weak left wrist after breaking it multiple times" seems to me to be more of a quirk than a weakness. If it seriously hinders her and is so weak she can barely use it, it's a weakness. If it's just a minor inconvenience, I'd say it's a quirk.

10. I understand speaking Russian, because she (I think) lived there until she was 9. And not being great at English is understandable too, because learning another language after a certain point is harder. But where did she learn Spanish and German? When did this come up?

11. Her personality goes with what I said about her likes and dislikes. Why doesn't she like people? Why is she so quiet? This paragraph is supposed to explain everything that came before it and make it fit together, but here it's basically restating everything from earlier. I still have too many questions abot her:
-Why does she hate people?
-Why does she enjoy pain?
-Why do people assume she's mute? I know loads of people who don't talk. In fact, there was one boy in my grade that I didn't hear speak for all four years of high school, and we never thought he was mute. Everyone just thought he was shy.

12a. Her history section is listed twice, and even though you only filled in one, the one that's filled in is in the wrong place. It should be under the section about her parents, and the one above should be deleted. Also, the one you did fill out is way too short, so please expand that to at least a full paragraph or two.
12b. Why is her adoptive father an FBI agent? No offense, but isn't she already special enough? And beyond that, if he is an FBI agent, why would he adopt a child from Russia? The Cold War is over, but USA/Russia relations still aren't amazing, and he does work for the government. Also, would this change her relationship with him? Would he be distant, or always working? This fact should be pretty important, but it's barely even mentioned.
12c. OK, I was trying to call it a coincidence, but her cat's name makes me feel like you're modeling her off of Black Widow from The Avengers. Let me list what I'm noticing:
-Russian
-orphan
-named Natalia (verrrrry close to Natasha)
-has a cat named Widow (like Black Widow)
-has hair with a "blood red tinge" (like Scarlet Johanssen in the recent movie)
-speaks multiple languages
-doesn't play well with others/dislikes people
-keeps to herself, hides emotions, etc.
-likes pain and torture (not sure if Natasha likes it, exactly, but she's not squeamish)
-likes spiders, knives, and swords
-involved with US government organizations (SHIELD, FBI agent father)
-skilled in martial arts
This may not have been intentional, but this list is already twelve items long, and I even combined some related items into single points to shorten the list. Basically, a lot of it doesn't feel very original. I'm not asking you to rewrite the entire character, but please make her a bit more individual.

13. I hate to shoot down this power, because I've seen it used well in other places. However, as you have it, I don't feel like we can accept it.
There aren't clear limits on this power. Could she learn chess on October 1 and beat Deep Blue by Halloween? What's the timeline for this? Because the example I just gave is waaaaay overpowered. When I've accepted this power previously, it always had some sort of weakness or caveat: they can only retain so many disciplines at a time, or they only learn up to the skill level of the person they see demonstrate it, etc. However, Natalia's profile never mentions or even indicates any kind of weakness. It's implied that she can effortlessly master almost (and that "almost" isn't explained, so I have to assume there's no limit) any sport, do it in weeks, and then move on to the next sport without losing any ability at the other things she's already done. With that sort of power, she could already be the world's best player in every single organized sport on the planet, and she's not even a legal adult.
Also, as a secondary issue, there's way too much hinging on this power for Natalia to be a real character on her own. If she didn't have this power, would she be a ballerina? A horseback rider? Skilled at martial arts? How much of this is her personality, what she would want to do anyway, and how much is the power letting her master whatever is put in front of her? You already said she's a perfectionist; what if she only does ballet because she's good at it and won't mess up, but she secretly hates it? When it crosses the line where nobody can tell, it's too much.

14. Finally, her roleplay sample. These should ideally be in third person, past tense, but I don't think we specified, so I'll let that slide. (However, all on-site posts must be like that.) Beyond first-person, though, there are some issues. There are several sentence fragments, and you switch from past to present tense a couple times. However, other than that, it's good: it gives interaction and something for the other person to reply to without controlling them.

I'm sorry this is so long. There really isn't that much to change; I'm sort of infamous for being long-winded. I blame it on explanations, because I like to answer any potential questions all at once, and then a one-point note becomes two paragraphs. xD It's a weakness of mine...

So anyway, feel free to ask any questions you may have. Signal, Kai, and I will be glad to help. Once it's updated with your changes, you can notify me and I'll look it over again.

Thanks for your time, and welcome to SBA!

Your friendly neighborhood admin,
Harley[/size]

[Deleted]

I'll try to fix it, but this character is kind of based off of me. I have red brown hair and a cat named Widow. Her personality is practically the same as mine. Everything, except being an orphan, is my life.

[Admin Harley]

Well, I'm sorry that it's so personal for you, but I'm not asking you to change yourself. And, in fact, that's another reason to change the character: in general, it's incredibly hard to play a character based on yourself. So many people either create a flawless, ideal self, or they go the other way completely and fabricate a tragic backstory to get pity for "them"/the character. It's so hard to be impartial that most sites discourage basing a character on yourself.

All that aside, though, we really can't accept a character so similar to someone from an existing franchise, whether it's intentional or not. Take as long as you like with any edits, and notify me whenever you're ready.

<3/Harley